Recollecting

I got an SMS today from someone whom I'd rather leave embedded somewhere in my past. A love of mine. Well an unfulfilled one I guess on my part. An almost lover.

A forwarded (not a personal one) Aidilfitri text message, filled with well wishes and do'as. Am I to think then, that at least once a year, he somewhat thinks of me and wonders how I'm doing? I shall not flatter myself.

But without fail, every Hari Raya eve, my mind traverses back to the year 2000. A 4 hour conversation that took us into the early hours the next day. I can clearly recall one part. We were talking about getting attached. He told me he wanted to get attached first before me. I remarked that he was selfish in saying that and asked him for the reason. He said he would not know what to do if my so-called boyfriend would not let me remain in touch with him. He would not be able to take it.

I always find myself in these bizarre situations; not knowing whether to be touched or pull my hair in frustration. It was always like that. He got jealous over other guys; imagined or real. Not angry jealous, just the wistful staring, tense silences, hurt looks. Or perhaps I’ve grossly misinterpreted these little gestures of his.

It amazes me, the mixed feelings I still have, whenever I recollect the pieces of time I had with him. At times, I wish my memory would not serve me this well.

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." - Rita Mae Brown