'Dan Lian'

I've been drowning myself in a couple of Taiwanese dramas lately in my room or 'cave' as Man calls it. Except for the daily required necessities, I've been glued to my PC, laughing and crying all by myself. (Not wholly mad but getting there)

This common thread keeps running – ‘dan lian’ or one-sided love in Mandarin. It happens to be something close to my heart seeing that it's all I've ever experienced.

“Do you know? The most special human feeling is to have a one-sided love. Nothing else has such a feeling...a one-sided love is like a flower bud...sometimes it can touch people's hearts even more. It can reach further into people's minds more than a blooming flower.”
From The Rose

When I was in my early twenties, I had a conversation with a friend. She asked me why, despite knowing that I would not be able to be with the person I liked, I still continued feeling for him. Therein was the answer...I was feeling. The whole gamut of emotions, the roller-coaster ride of highs and lows, of being sad and happy, it reminded me that I was alive.

How I felt my heart warm and how it seemed to feel full with that intangible emotion. How it seemed to be pierced with ache. How my hours were filled with random thoughts of him. All the words I read in books and songs made perfect sense when I was in that state of loving someone.

After the last one, I made the choice not to allow myself to fall for anyone else. The end of a one-sided love hurts too much especially the reality of seeing him become someone else's husband.

Lately though, I keep thinking to myself that I've been running on empty for far too long. My desiccated heart needs to be whole again. I miss going crazy over a guy. I miss the uncertainties and possibilities. I miss being in love.

Wo xiang wo xu yao ai yi ge ren.
Bu guan ta bu ke neng ye ai wo.
Bu guan wo hui tong ku ye hui shang xin.
Zhi yao wo hui de dao ai qing de gan jue.