I am preparing myself yet again for the inevitable. My last real guy friend...the last man standing...is getting married this December. He’s been with her a few years now I guess, since 2004 thereabouts. They got engaged four or five months back. I took the event quite fine. I was happy for him and all. I was touched that he took the time to call me in person to tell me about it. (As opposed to his mass text massage to his other friends)
A few weeks back however, I started thinking more about him. He began to supersede other clamouring thoughts. I brooded over our friendship. Reflecting on how we became friends at JC, how we lost touch, how we reconnected, our conversations over lunches, dinners, movies and the telephone. It hit me hard. I was already imagining a life without him; without his unconditional presence.
I realised how much I appreciate him. He has done what others before him had not. He may not say the right words, he may not tell me things that I want or need to hear as a form of validation of what we are. But he shows it in little, obscure gestures and ways which amaze me in their suddenness, sincerity and innocence. He shows me he cares, about my day-to-day concerns, my more-often-than-not overflowing emotions, my out-of-this-world idiosyncrasies. He deals with all of it well, not because of obligation or a superficial sense of duty. The fact that he maintained contact with me despite being attached already spoke volumes.
I actually struggled painfully hard not to fall in love with him. Told him that much. It would have been so easy to do. He complements my existence. He makes me feel safe. He brings me simplicity in this complex web I call life.
Although he begs to differ, things will change as they do when he gets married. I've started counting the days till when I have to speak of him in the past tense. Sometimes I feel like savouring the time I have left of him, meet up and hang out. Yet at times I feel I should distance myself and let it go. Accept it, find some form of catharsis and move on.
In between, the desolation will set in and I will lament the unfortunate state of my lacklustre love affairs – always the girl friend but never THE girlfriend. It's like fighting a losing battle.
But who ever said love and life were easy eh?
1 comment:
syed to Ana,
I think you got it right. I do understand the mixed feeling, but we both know that you can handle it well.
Unfortunately, the context of platonic relationship simply does not exist.
It is probably, a term, the westerners use as an excuse to date outside their existing relationships, and we, Asians blindly embrace the culture and make it a lifestyle.
I rather the term platonic - transcending beyond physical desires and inclining towards the purely spiritual - be simply known as a friendship between a man and a woman.
alamak...dah macam blog pulak saya punya comment
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